Wednesday, 28 January 2015

How important friends are!

Hi, sorry it's been a while. I think trying to change yourself all in one go at the start of a new year was kind of impossible. But I'm going to be slowing introducing chances again and we'll see how it goes :)

So I want to share with you a chat I have with my "sister" it's a chat we have a lot because in the evening I often spiral. By this I mean I've spent all day in my bedroom working on coursework, I've watched some TV and now I'm thinking too much and I cry. I am surprised I can cry anymore over this past year I've cried more than a spoilt toddler! I feel like 2014 was a rough year for a lot of my family, but 2015 so far it's been one of my busiest which helps to keep crying at a minimum.

Anyway this is how the texts go:

Me - "Sister, I don't want to be alone anymore, I know I got you but something is missing".
Sister - "You're not you have me, I am here and I am single too and I know it's a boy, we'll get you a guy don't you worry; ;)"

She knows all too well this conversation and how it goes, see I envy my sister a lot sometimes and I love her to bits and her life isn't always to be envied of but it's always that complex of the grass is greener on the other side.

Continuing on with the text conversation:

Me - "But even in the club I couldn't, I get too anxious and run away"
"When you came over in your study period I wanted to tell you but I can't like why can't I just kiss someone, why do all these thoughts have to rattle through my brain, even when I am drunk?"

So this is what usually happens when I go out to a club, I follow my sister and as I am dancing/walking past a fit guy I get them to follow me whether this by just grabbing on to them and doing like a conger type thing. I don't even know it's an in the moment thing.

Thus I do this at the latest club I went to - Bunker and I start dancing with some guy, who is obviously followed me for all the wrong reasons. Whilst some of my friends ask if I am okay and others egg me on to get with this stranger.

The anxiety returns to my thoughts, see I did this 6 months ago on my 17th birthday which resulted in me dancing with a stranger and then Flo pulling me away when he tried to kiss me. Now from that event I always regretted not kissing this stranger. So back to Bunker eventually when I finally accept that I don't have enough courage to go further with this guy I run away, literally. I run through all the people dancing in the club, do 2 laps of the club to make sure I've lost him then go to the loo.

Now I can't remember what this stranger even looked like - neither of the people I've danced with. But I know it's not right to keep doing this, it's a huge insecurity of mine which comes from the fact I have zero confidence.

Now this might be unbelievable as I am bubbly / hyper and outwardly confident but inside as like most people there are those cracks, these cracks I don't even want to be there because they are vain or stupid but that's not how the brain works...

It's just that I know of nobody who's had a crush on me or found me attractive. I've never had a boyfriend, been kissed, held hands or even been on a date. Now I am 17 at this point there are people with babies which I know that's an exaggeration to think of this as the norm and I know it's not the norm. But even my brother had a girlfriend at this point of his life, and Alex he isn't a good looking lad, he's a bit like a character from the big bang theory :P

Back to the texts again - sorry, I bet this is getting really confusing!
Sister - "It's because your nervous bub, It's normal for a first kiss, I promise."

See my sister has had 2 serious relationships and these have had the highs but also the lows. Now the lows might be lows, but as the cheesy saying goes I want the highs as well as the lows because it's the experience that counts.

Me - "But it's not normal to have your first kiss at 17, maybe 18 or older!"
Again a big insecurity that I'm not keeping up with life and experiencing it to the fullest. I mean all these songs about high school love and young love blah blah blah. If I don't get a move on I am never going to experience "YOUNG LOVE"!

Sister - "You want to save your first kiss for someone you know not just a guy in the club you've never met. It's nothing to be embarrassed about I promise".

The voice of reason my sister and I know she's right and when I do finally get my first kiss I am sure it will be worth the wait. But come on I am 17 damn it! Like in big bang theory Sheldon does by some miracle get a girlfriend - now my old school enemy is Sheldon and against all odds I had she has found a boyfriend. (And they are facebook offical - I know how vain of me but what are you gunna do?). So here I am in my prime the days where I am told I'll look back on them with fond memories but yet all I can think at the moment is I am Raj from big bang theory, and not the Raj where he finally gets a girlfriend but Raj in his underwear eating lobster! (not a nice sight)

Sister - "F*** normal, stop comparing yourself to the world's normal! Your giving into the world's expectations! Live your life however the f*** you want because at the end of the day only you can live it. I know that sounds cliche but actually think about it",

Well I do think about it - all the time and it just gets more and more confusing! Now what my sister is saying here I think is totally right but it's easier said then done when it's you trying to do it.

Me - "I want to live it completely differently, I want to be one of the lads with banter in jogging bottoms but then the next day I want to be super dressed up and be in Downton Abbey. I try to figure out who I am but I get more confused."

Sister - "I f****** love my life for all the ups and downs it's thrown at me because that's a part of life. There's only one me so I'm not gunna pretend to be someone else, and you shouldn't either! You're an individual and that's why your my best friend! I never met someone like you and I'm proud to be your best friend because you never changed for anyone!  And that's why you should be proud to be you!Who gives a damn if you don't kiss someone until you're 30?!?!?!?!"

I think this is my favourite part of the conversations we always have because it's so true and something I stick by in my life with the up-most priority. That I don't change for anyone and I never have, I've always been blunt and not given a s**** what people thought about me. I would do what made me happy whether I looked crazy or not, more often crazy than the not part but my life I've genuinely loved, but as a teen there is all this stuff in the background! This also links into how I am fiercely loyal to my friends, if I don't think your boyfriend is good enough for you not only will I tell you but I'll tell you both together! Because although you are perfect for each other sometimes it's just not meant to be.

Sister - "It's your life bub, But your trying to copy other people, stop doing that. Your Hannah! Your the girl obsessed with nails and handbags and who can look amazing but also look a complete slob but the best thing is that she can have a laugh as cheer anyone up whose with her without even trying!"

Me - "I'm trying to copy them because they seem so happy and I just feel felt behind".
I think every female goes through everything I've mentioned in this post but this in particular is my most obsessive habit. I copy other people like no other I'll wear the same hair, use the same products, everything because I think people will like me more, find me more attractive - no I know it won't but I've forgotten how to be me, how to be genuine. Like the other day I complimented my brother - his reply "well that was dripping in sarcasm", and although I didn't mean for it to be it probably did sound like it!

Sister - "If you try to be other people you'll be the most unhappy person on the planet, and take that from someone who knows, be you because I love YOU, not the people you are trying to be".

This just breaks me down into tears, because I know that she's right I know  she's gone through it all and is now the happiest she's ever been and I know that I can be happy too, sometimes I think it's as easy as flipping a switch in my brain other times it's not but I'm going to try to be me because I can't keep having the same conversation with my sister, going around in loops of:

party - guilt - weight insecurities - new fitness regime - new diets - new boyfriend plans - crying over boys back to confidence issues around to fashion issues and back to the beginning.

If you're a Scrubs fan you'll get this if not skip this paragraph.
The episode where JD's life is going through a rough patch and he gets taped to the ceiling of the canteen and he had to stay there for a few hours in which time he learns how annoying it is about everyone complaining about their problems. So when he finally gets released he refuses his all time dream of going for a beer with Dr.Cox because he doesn't want to talk about how crap his life is anymore.

So although my life is in no way crap, I just need to stop complaining about it and just get out of my head and live life.

To do this -
1) Stop obsessively scrolling through social media
2) Stop trying to be other people
3) Become a better conversationalist
4) Stop forgetting to text people back!
5) Stop being bored - no boredom no obsessive thinking.

Congrats if you made it this far into this extremely long post, no clue if you've enjoyed it but hopefully it can help / inspire some of you to realize maybe we are all in the same boat.

Shout out to my sister Ali whom requested a post about sisters - maybe this isn't what you thought I'd come up with but I hope this shows just how much you mean to me. 

PS - Reading this all back you are great at inspiring pep talks!